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Konu: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

  1. #31
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    You did not mention about my introduction... I focused my introduction this time, actually I liked it, and to be honestl, I did not want to write last paragraphs because I you've already shown my mistakes. Grammar mistakes inevitable for me because I am too careless while I am writing. Also you did not give any score

    Actually this was my last essay, I don't want to write any more, because it is last 3 days for me, and I want to more focus on speaking and listening parts in that time. You always been very kind and I want to thank you again for your great support. You are filling the meaning of the "TEACHER"

    And you have been a good student. İ have added a comment to your introduction unfortunately, although you have tried new structures and to some extent successfully. Your last essay is still worth only three points due to the number of grammar mistakes present. Keep it simple and stick to what you are confident with and i am sure you will get the 3.5 you are looking for.

  2. #32
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    İ didnt need to focus on your introduction cos it was fine. Well done. Forgive me, i wrote my response whilst doing a thousand other things. İ am saddened that this will be your last essay as i have enjoyed marking them. İ am sure you will do fine on the exam (in fact i am sure). You do, however, need to take a little more care with your grammar Anyway, İ believe, that we will be seeing each other tomorrow on the free on-line course. Mr. Volkan contacted me just two days ago to see, if İ could do it. Apparently, it was to do with the writting section, but i am going to open it up so that whoever comes can ask me anything about the exam. (including all sections İf i do not see you simemis, i really do wish you the best of luck on your exam on the 15th (the same goes for you to zea hopefully i will see another essay from you before your exam)

  3. #33
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    Essay number 8

    Another essay(I think the examples in body paragraphs are not enough but it is the production of 30 minutes)

    AND TEACHER CAN YOU GIVE SOME SUGGESTION IN BRIEF ABOUT INTAGRATED ESSAY AFTER GRADING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I am fraid that this part of the forum is for Independent writing only. I will, however, be giving a free on-line lesson for upper-intermediate students in the near future (probably after the finals have come to an end


    TOPIC:Some people persue career paths that lead to management position. Other people persue career paths leading to position of individual responsibility. Which career path are you more likely to follow?


    Managers and employees are the main parts of business world and if you want to enter this world you have to choose a position as a manager or an employee. Actually many people choose be an employee but if it comes to be my career preference is being a manager for following reasons.

    Not a bad start; however, the last sentence is difficult to understand due to errors in grammar usage.
    It would have sounded better like this "Despite many people choosing to go into the business world as an employer, I think, I would have to say, that I would would almost certainly decide to chose to be a manager for a number of reasons"

    First of all, managers are needed more by companies. It has a great responsibility and also, it requires some skills and leadership, as a result of this few people's choice is being a manager. So, if you want to be in a popular and special position, your choice must be management. Suppose a factory,for example, which has a lot of engineers as employees. If there is no manager for managing these engineers, how can they work in right way and how can their senchronisation be satisfied. So the first requirement of the factory is finding a manager.


    Secondly, working as a manager is more enjoyable and creative than being an employee. Because you can find many opportunities to apply your plans about your job. For instance, you find the current system bad, if you are the manager, you may change it easily. However if you are an employee, your main duty is doing whatever your manager says. Also you can obtain the best success with a good management. Thus, if your skills are sufficient, being a manager is more enjoyable for you.

    I think you are right about the examples that you have given. We need to remember that the question does ask for SPECIFIC examples. You could have made both of these paragraphs a lot stronger by providing the reader with specific examples such as, "my father, who works at a factory in our home town...." Don't forget the example part of the essay gives you the chance to illustrate you argument; tell a story as it were. On a different note, I really do like the way you have strengthened your examples by restating as to why they are good examples in the last sentence of each supporting paragraph. Well done

    To sum up, I respect all of the choices about the career paths of the people, but in my opinion management is the right position for people who have enough skills.

    Where should you go from here? Well, I think you need to work on your examples a little more before you produce another essay. Go to the list of essay questions at ets.org and just think (you don't need to write) of examples for as many questions as you can. The essay above is a very strong 3 point essay, and with a little more hard work you will be able to jump up to 4 points. By the way, you are right to keep within the 30minute time limit; you will find that it will become easier to write more in less time.

  4. #34
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    Essay number 9

    I read last 7 essays and then I rewrite it again.I hope I did a good job (: I am waiting for your mark.Thanks!

    Subject:Some people believe that the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends. Other people believe that the best way of learning about life is through personal experience. Compare the advantages of these two different ways of learning about life. Which do you think is preferable? Use specific examples to support your preference.

    Everytime people can learn a new thing about life.While you are talking with one of your old family member,while you are watching your parents or just while you live in life;you can learn a lot of thing. People can listen their family and friends for learn their life experiences.Also personal experiences are very useful for learning about life.In my opinion,personal experiences are more preferable.My arguments for these points are as follows.

    Not a bad introduction; you do, however, need to work on the introductory sentence and build on your ideas a little. Maybe, if you connected the ideas in both the first and second sentence, you would be able to make it a tad stronger; something like this " There are many different ways in which people can learn; for example, some prefer to learn about life through the experiences and advice of their parents and family members, while others believe that learning through their own experiences is much better. Personally, if I had to choose between the two approaches, I would probably prefer to learn on my own for a number of reasons"

    The first reason as to why I believe personal experiences are more preferable is because if people learn about life with personal experiences,they never forget it.For instance,last year my friend bought a new car.His parents told him to drive safely.However,he didn’t care what they said too much.After two months when he has started driving,he had a car accident.Lucky,he was good.After this accident,he learned why he has to drive safely and he started driving carefully.

    Second, you can learn about life with personal experiences exactly.For example,I didn’t know how to use ATM machines when I first took a bank card.I asked to my parents and they explained to me.But I still didn’t know how to use it.I went to a bank and I tried.After two tries,I used to it.Now,I can do whatever I need with that machines.

    On the other hand,I think teenagers should ask to their parents about their life experiences.Because their parents are older than them.They know what are the problems in life and they can explain their life skills to their children very easily.Also people should talk with friends.Everyone needs a friend to talk.You may talk with your friends about something that you can not talk with your family like relationships.

    Here we have a typical problem that I see in many first time writer's essays. Your supporting paragraphs should all run with the same idea; so if you disagree with the statement then all supporting paragraphs should reflect this. In the same breathe, if you prefer doing one thing over the other, then you supporting paragraphs should reflect this too (in short, go with one idea and don't try to argue from both sides of the fence

    Finally,people should listen the other people’s life experiences and they should try to learn something about them.However,they can learn life more clearly with personal experiences.

    Your use of transitional sentences throughout the essay seem to be inconsistent. It would have been nice to see you use the same transitional as you did in your first supporting paragraph in you second and third supporting paragraph too. so then you would have "The first reason as to why I believe... - The second reason as to why I believe...; and The final reason as to why I believe..." By the way, you should never begin a concluding paragraph with "finally" instead try using "in conclusion"

    Overall score: 3 points. Keep up the hard work. In comparison to the first draft that you sent this is much tighter and stronger. Well done

  5. #35
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    Essay number 10

    Subject: It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.

    People learn their personalities and skills when they are child.If people can have good child life,it makes their future life better.Because of that to grow up in a nice place is really important for people’s life. I agree to grow up in the countryside better than grow up in a big city. Children can have healthy and successful life in the countryside.
    A nice attempt at an introduction, however, it does fall down in places. For example, I don't think that the first sentence really does your introduction any justice. The question being asked should really be clear from the very first line; for example, "Over the last few years or so, many people have decided to move away from the country side to the city for a number of reasons such as money and work; some have even moved to the city because they believe it will provide their children with better opportunities in the future. However, I disagree with this because I believe the way a child is brought up will directly affect their future and the country side will provide the child with the neccessary up bringing to achieve this"

    The first reason as to why I believe that to growgrowing up in the countryside is better is because countrysides have better areas than big cities.Every children likes playing games.They can play games in a nice weather in outside if they live in the countryside.However,big city children who live in the big city have to play games inon the computer or in this kind of electronic devices.Because,big cities usually don’t have game areas.Playing with electronic devices and staying at home all the time are harmful for children’s health.
    Don't forget your examples I have marked some of the most important mistakes in this paragraph too.


    The second reason as to why I believe that to grow up in the countryside is because education in the countryside is better than education in big city.Country schools do not have a lot of children.But city schools have.Teachers can explain a lesson to children more clear and children can learn their lessons from their teachers easily in the country school.For instance,I was living in a big city in my country.When I was in 5th grade,we moved to a small town.In my big city school,I couldn’t always ask something that I can not understand in lessons.But in country school,I asked whatever I want in lessons or after lessons and I learned my lessons very well.That year my grades was better than last years.
    A great example That is exactly what you need in your 1st supporting paragraph.

    From all those reasons above,if children can grow up in a great countryside,it can be better for their future life.

    Over all a nice essay! However, because of slight organizational and grammar mistakes, I am unable to give this any more than 3 points. Keep up the hard work. It won't be long before your points start going up



  6. #36
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...


    Merhaba ben foruma üye olmadan önce gereksiz kayıt yapmayayım diye forumunuzu bayağı gezdim ve gerçekten çok faydalı bir paylaşım ortamı oldugunu anladım.Bundan bende büyük ölçüde faydalanmak istedim ancak faydalanmaya başlamadan önce bu ortamı oluşturan herkese teşekkürlerimi borçbilirim

  7. #37
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    Essay number 11

    Here is my first essay


    TOPIC: Someone think that playing a game is fun only when you win. Do you agree or disagree with this statement . Use specific reasons to support your answer

    Although life includes winnig and losing,everyone wants to be successful whatever he or she have done.There are some various reason to explain it, such as fallowings.
    You should remember that the introduction is the most important part of your essay as this is where the rater first develops their initial impression of the language that you are using (first impressions count).Look at the structures that 'Sinemis' and 'zea' have used above and look at the advice that I have given them.

    The main reason why I believe winning is better than losing is because human being has it in it's nature.For example, when the football team we supporting lose the match, we might behave like nothing happened and we might made up sensable covers to satisfy ouselves but the correct definition about our emotions is that sadness.
    Nice to see that you have included an example here; but as I have mentioned before in previous essays and comments, you really need to stretch out your example and although a good example it really isn't that specific; in place of this example, I would have explained about a football match that I had gone to and how that affected me. Also, remember, that giving examples is like telling a story, really stretch them out as much as you can and describe every possible detail.

    Let's move on to video games.Why we are playing these games? To lose or to win.Undoubtly, the correct answer is winnig.However, life includes too many losing and the most important aim of us is turn this losings into winnings.It is our essential task which makes us happy when it become.
    Well I don't need to tell you that the biggest problem with this supporting paragraph is the lack of an example! Never ever omit an example from your supporting paragraph. Also, do not use 'rhetorical questions' as you have done in the first line; although they can be effective tools in academic writing, they are often used incorrectly or in the wrong place.


    In conclusion, we have two important feeling to express ourselves which called happiness and sadness. So, to sum up , as I explained before playing a game fun only when you win.

    Dear TMRTMR,

    First of all, thank you for sending your essay in. However, there are a few things that need to be kept in mind. To begin with, before sending in an essay, you need to make sure that you have reviewed all of the previous essays and the comments that I have made. If you review all of the essays that you have written, you will see that you have made the same mistakes. Secondly, you shouldn't send in a second essay, until the first one has been marked (incidentally, essays are marked within 7-10 days). I look forward to your second essay

  8. #38
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    Essay number 12

    Subject: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People behave differently when they wear different clothes. Do you agree that different clothes influence the way people behave? Use specific examples to support your answer.

    Some people like wearing different clothes from everyone.They usually wear strange and unusual clothes.I do not prefer wearing different clothes.However, I agree that different clothes influence the way people behave.I think, if people wear different clothes, everyone may think that they are awkward.But if you wear normal, clean and tidy clothes, you may used to every situation and you can be happy.My arguments for these points are as follows.
    The basic structure of your introduction seems to work well. However, I think your first 3 sentences need a little work. The 1st and 2nd ones are especially too short which makes it a little too over simplified. I would have discussed how clothes change from one profession to the other and as to why they need to wear these clothes in the 1st sentence; the 1st sentence as it stands is a little too narrow to develop.

    The first reason as to why I believe that different clothes influence the way people behave is because if a person wear different kind of clothes, he or she can feel uncomfortable and maybe he or she can not used to other people.For instance, we had uniforms when I was in high school in my country.However, we were able to wear daily clothes once a week.One of these free clothes days, my friend forgot to wear daily clothes and he came to school with school uniform.He couldn’t used to school and he felt uncomfortable in that day.Because, he was looking different from everyone.

    The second reason as to why I believe that different clothes influence the way people behave is because I think wearing clean and tidy clothes is important for a lot of person.Before you met with someone, you look his clothes first.If he or she looks good, you think he or she is a nice person whether you know his real thoughts or you don’t.In my first school day, I didn’t know anyone in school.When I saw a person who has good looking clothes, I automaticly had good feelings about that person.

    I am afraid that the reasons and examples that you have chosen haven't really answered the question which asks "how wearing different clothes influences peoples behaviour" The point made in the fist supporting paragraph would have been fine if you had stated that wearing ordinary clothes once a week made everybody behave in a casual manner and when they wore the school uniform they behaved more formally. I am afraid that the 2nd supporting paragraph didn't really work at all (despite being a very good point!) as the question asks how the person who wears the clothes changes and not the person who sees the change)

    Also, my another reason is wearing good looking clothes makes people happy.If you wear your favourite clothes and when people say you look great, you become happy.When I wear my favourite jean and t-shirt which they match eachother, I always feel cool and happy.

    This has the potential of being a great supporting paragraph; I can only assume that you had timing problems which is why you failed to develop it any further (in fact this would have been a better supporting 2nd paragraph.

    To sum up, people shouldn’t wear different clothes all the time.It influences bad to their behaves because of the reasons are in above.

    Overall, I would say that this essay is worth around 2-3 points due to digression and the number of grammar mistakes.

  9. #39
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    Essay number 13



    The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.

    It it obviously clear that the world became great changes in the twentieth century especially at technological improvements. Many people may think that television, mobile phone, internet or google are some of the most important changes in this century but from my opinion the most magnificent change is sending and receiving e-mail via internet.

    In the past decades people have to write letters and post them to their family living at outside countries but today we could send email containing unlimited count of words. When our family check its email account he or she see all the things you wrote 5 minutes ago. So we don’t need to wait the letter will go to the outside country.

    Furthermore, we can add some files to the emails. If we want we can share a document, a photo, a song or a short movie to the email. For example we can send one of the best photos of İstanbul to our friend who is living in England and has not been in İstanbul for a long time.

    In addition and more surprisingly all of these email communications are free of charge. People who have an internet access could easily create an email address and send or receive email using this account.

    Finally, because of the reasons I described above I think email communication is one of the most great changes that makes our life easier in the twentieth century.

    First of all, I would like to welcome you to the forum and I look forward to marking your essays. However, that being said, you would really benefit by reading through the other essays I have marked. Think of the previous essays as a lesson on independent writing. I would like you to follow the previous advice that I have given other forum members and use it whilst writing your response. The essay that you have written, although a good start, lacks in a number of important areas. To begin with your suppoting paragraphs are totally lacking examples, which are a very important part of the essay. I would like you to rewrite this essay once you have read the previous essays and then I will mark it

  10. #40
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    Essay number: 14

    Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are
    the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your
    answer.

    People learn continuosly during their life time from their environments such as family, schools and social groups.It is important for rest of our lives to gather informations (information uncountable and singular) and to get education educated by attending schools, and to interact with other people or friends. However, families shape us in the early stages of our lives which is more important than other aspects in my opinion. Therefore, i believe that parents are the best teachers because of the following particular specific reasons.

    Firstly, parents teach values which are important for children in order to have a good and strong character. Begining with the early ages at a young age, families try to teach their children good traits. Every parents wants to raise their child as an to be honest, trustable and hardworking person. It is obvious for everybody that these characteristics properties can only be built in the family. At this point, the importance and essential of the a family education gets more clear. For example, in our country there is a proverb, ``The tree can be bend only when it is young.``, which is specifically related with this issue. Moral attitudes and behavioral habits can be taught only during the childhood. Therefore, parental education is significant in order to teach values to the child.
    Just a quick point on using quotations; although a very useful device they are easily used incorrectly and in the wrong place. Your use of the Turkish proverb here has worked well, but don't get too carried away

    Secondly, parents know their own child beter than anyone. They are aware of what child can do, what he or she likes or what the child is capable of. In other words skills, habits, good or bad traits of the child are known by the family members. Having information about abilities and potential of the children, parents and family members have a significant advantages to reach their children and to provide communication with them. Neither school teachers nor friends can build better comunication than parents with own child regardless of issue. Thats to say, it is obvious that the more you know the student, the more you can teach.

    Really, this didn't work as well as your first supporting paragraph. It is lacking a strong example to support your argument. Don't forget that the examples you give are just as important as the reasons! It is obvious that you have missed out on some of the important points I have made in the previous essays above. Before writing a second essay, I would like you to go back and read through my notes on the other essays.


    In conclusion, because of the above reasons i believe that parents have significant and primary role as a perfect teacher in the children’s lives. Although, friends and teachers have effects on us during our lives, the effects of our best teachers are beyond comparison.

    VERDICT: Not bad for a first attempt. Your essay despite constant grammatical mistakes is well organized and well balanced and the mistakes you have made do not really make it too difficult to understand. Keep up the hard work and I am sure you will see your scores slowly improve over time. 3 points

  11. #41
    ela
    ela isimli Üye şimdilik offline konumundadır
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    Essay number: 15

    To begin with I would like to welcome you to the forum. However, reading through your essay it has become apparently clear that you haven't really read through the advice I have given previous forum members. Before I mark this essay, I would like you to go through the other essays and then rewrite your essay accordingly. As it stands, your essay is overly formal using set structures that in places make it difficult to understand (you have also used them incorrectly in places, so its obvious that you are using a set phrase). Your use of reasons and examples are to technical. Remember that TOEFL questions have been designed so that you can draw on your own life experiences. As for the header, there is no real need to have one. society. I have also separated your essay into paragraphs and you should really make sure that you do this on the real exam. Before doing so, your essay was a little difficult to understand. Also, in the future, I would like you to include the question in full so that I can give you a more accurate score. I look forward to reading your revised essay.

    [b]
    THE IMPORTANCE OF SPENDING MONEY ON OUR BASIC NEEDS

    Meeting people's basic requirements, which have long been tried to be improved for centuries by the governments, plays a significant role in order to create more prosperous and developed society. Although some people are of the opinion that governments had better spend money to outer space activities to reveal the unknown facts about there, from my point of view, they should spend their money so as to meet people's fundamental needs in terms of promoting medicine and improving educational levels of their society.

    Firstly, I would say that developments in medicine are of special significance because of the fact that there are still some diseases of which cure has not been found yet. To illustrate, spending money on finding an absolute diagnose for AIDS, being deadliest illness ever, would be more wise rather than spending it on outer activities. What I mean is that there is nothing more important than human's health.

    Secondly, it is a well-known fact that, for a well-developed country in which high-quality people live, that money ought to be spent on improving educational level of the society. To cite an example, as long as a society has well-educated members, it will have the opportunity to understand and develop other significant fields which are certainly crucial for human's future.

    All in all, as the examples and explanations denote us that, governments should spend their money on meeting the basic requirements of people both to encourage finding new treatments for illness and to raise the educational level of their societies.



    Please, before sending an essay into be marked, make sure that you have read through all previous essays and follow the advice given whilst writing your essay. Essays that have not followed the advice given in previous essays will not be marked. Essays will be marked within 7-10 days.


  12. #42
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    Essay number: 16

    TOPIC:Some people think that it is best for extended families to live together. Other people think that it is best for nuclear family to live away from the extended family. Which type of family living arrangment do you think is the most beneficial? Use specific reasons to support ypur response.



    EXTENDED FAMILY

    Some people prefer live to a small family but some of them prefer to live extended family. Small family consists of children,mother and father. Extended family consists of children, mother and father and also maybe grandparents. In my opinion live in extended family is prefered. Because lve in extended family has an some advantaguous. These advantagenous is that family members help eachother and the second one is family traditions carry over the next generations. In my essay I will explain these advantegous deplly.

    The first advantage is that family members help one another. For example, I live in an extended family. I live with my grandmother and she helps my mother to with her daily works like as cooking or cleaning. Because my mother works at a job, she cannot cook in weekdays during the week. Unless my grandmother lives with us, my mother can suffer from time manage. This sentence needs rewriting Moreover, ın extended families, family memebers can help one anther to raise a child. For instance my grandmother helps my mother to raise my brother. If she doesn’t live with us, my mother can find a person who we don’t recognize beforehand. And it can be very diffucult for us. This is a strong enough argument to justify a second supporting paragraph

    The second advantages is that in the extended families, family tranditions can continue generation to generation. Because mostly grandparents conditional upon their traditions and they always illumunate and apply this. Because of this reason children can learn their tradionation unconsciously. For this way family traditions can pass next generious which is teached by garndparents. It is clearly obvious that live in extended family is important for us to maintance the family traditions next generations. For example in my family, we visit our small village everyfeast and we always prepare a traditonal dessert. I learned this my grandparents and I am going to learn it my children.


    In conclusion, living in extended family some advantageos. Family members help one another to do daily works,raise children. And It is important for family tranditions. Thanks to elders of families, children can learn their traditions and they can teach this their children. Actually I prefered to live extended family because of this reasons.

    Overall due the number of basic mistakes that you have made throughout your essay (examples of which can be found in your first supporting paragraph), I am afraid that this essay is worth no more than 3 points.


    This essay was marked courtesy of Just English Language School



    Please, before sending an essay into be marked, make sure that you have read through all previous essays and follow the advice given whilst writing your essay. Essays that have not followed the advice given in previous essays will not be marked. Essays will be marked within 7-10 days.

  13. #43
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    Essay number:17

    Topic: why do people prefer to go university
    As far as I remember this doesn't appear to be an original topic from ETS. When choosing your Topics please refer to the sample question list on the official ETS web site. And a quick pointer; the vast majority of questions to date have been in the "Do you agree or disagree format"; so when practicing try to choose questions which use this format.

    We are familiar with the sight of people who go to a university. The number of people who choose to attend a university has been increasing significantly in recent years. University plays an important role in individuals' lives. There are many reasons why people go to a university such as meeting new people, increasing knowledge and finding a good job.

    One of the reasons why people go to a university is to meet new people. In At university, there are a lots of people who come from diffrenr places. Therefore, individuals can make new friends at university. They can also learn different cultures and lifestyles from foreign students which give rise to widen their vision and broaden their mind.


    Another reason why people go to a university is to increase knowledge. High schools provide fundamental knowledge for students. However, people can focus on their interested majors in universities. Therefore, they can get more information about subjects which they like. Moreover, people, who attend a university, may meet people with different backgrounds. As a result, they can broaden knowledge of their majors. Knowledge accumulation is inevitable during university period. This should be part of your first supporting paragraph, as it reflects the same idea

    Another reason is to find a good job. Universities make it possible for students to have a diploma. The diploma plays a pivotal role in finding a good job. Most of the employers want to recruit people who have a university diploma. Therefore, people who went to a university are more likely to have a better career.

    In conclusion, it is obvious that meeting new friends, knowledge accumulation and find a good job are essential reasons for going a university. Not only making new friends but also increasing knowledge play an important role in broaden people's vision. Going to a university can also give rise to having a good career. Briefly, going to an university should be an indispensable part of individuals' lives.

    FEEDBACK As with other previous essays that students have written, your essay is lacking any kind of example in any shape or form. And again, as I have stated before in previous feedback, examples are an important part of any TOEFL question. Because the question you chose does not appear to be an original topic it is very difficult for me to give it an accurate score. However, in terms of grammar use and organization, I would say it is worth at least 3-4 points. The fact that you did not exemplify your ideas would actually bring your score down. I would also recommend that you use more consistent transitional phrase to introduce each supporting paragraph as the ones that you have chosen over simplify the point that you are trying to make


    Please, before sending an essay into be marked, make sure that you have read through all previous essays and follow the advice given whilst writing your essay. Essays that have not followed the advice given in previous essays will not be marked. Essays will be marked within 7-10 days.

  14. #44
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    Essay number: 18

    topic:Some people believe that mother should not work. Others argue against this. Consider the problems that a working mother faces. Do you believe mothers should work?

    Although we have always wanted to be taken care of by our mothers, rapidly changing financal conditions forces today's woman to get their place at work place.However,as well as there are being several problems with it this, it also has various benefits which has convinced me that mothers should work.We can divide this these benefits into three different reasons. Which are, having economic freedom, being able to pay school fees and being a model for her children.


    First, having economic freedom is very important in today's world because when both mother and father side earning money , mother don't have ask money from his husband and this makes her more powerful in view of her children.For example, according to my own life, thanks to my mother, I don't have to ask for money from my father and be able to give by herself as she gives it to me herself ,I never ask money from our father. By means of this And because of this, I also never ask permission from our father and in my belief opinion this makes my mother more powerful in our family life.

    Second,why I chose being able to pay school fees is because when father side lose his job , mother would able to pay school fees and children didn't be aware of father's unemployment This sentence lacks meaning and is too difficult to understand.For example, when the last economic crisis occured, my father nearly become bankrupted. By dint of our mother's facility of paying our school fees This sentence too has a lack of meaning, giving us a pocketmoney and controling income, we didn't hear about it until my father got his problems under the control his problems and if my mother had't worked in at that time, it would have shocked us and affected our school performance.

    Third, if the mother can be a model for her children, it means that her children on correct way.For example when we heard all this crisis occurents, our mother became hero for us and we have changed saucy behaviors immediatly.Thus, we have started trying our best in the school. Therefore our success increased suddenly.

    Consequently, today's women has a very big role in a family's financal life.There are two different options for them and each women able to choose one of them.In order to make correct decision they have to consider their financal situation but in my belief, whatever they want to choose, mothers should work for their families happiness.

    FEEDBACK: The overall organization of this essay is fine and you have used some nice examples to illustrate your points. However, as you can see, your essay is riddled with grammatical mistakes; so much so that in places it was really difficult to understand. It is for this reason your essay is worth 2-3 points at the most. Remember that the last 5 minutes of your writing time should be spent on checking and correcting such mistakes. It really does make a difference!




    Please, before sending an essay into be marked, make sure that you have read through all previous essays and follow the advice given whilst writing your essay. Essays that have not followed the advice given in previous essays will not be marked. Essays will be marked within 7-10 days.

  15. #45
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    Essay number: 19

    Topic: What discovery in the last 100 years has been most beneficial for people in your country? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

    There are been so many discoveries in the last 100 years. Most of them have been really beneficial for people. Personally, If I had to choose one of them, I would say discovering the internet has been the most beneficial for people in my country. In addition to socializing on Facebook or Twitter via internet, people learn what is going on all over the world easily.My arguments for these points are as follows.

    The first reason as to why I believe that the internet has been the most beneficial discovery for people in my country is because they can now learn news from all over the world. Therefore, they can compare the news with their thoughts and our news. For example, in the last three months, gasoline prices have changed in many countries, people in my country searched for it on the internet and they understood we have higher gasoline prices. Afterwards, they protested the higher prices.

    The second reason as to why I believe that the internet has been the most beneficial discovery for people in my country is because education has became easy with using the internet. Students can search their homework from on the internet and they can achieve knowledge about subjects that they want easily. However, before the internet came people had to search everything from encyclopedias or old books which spent too much time. For instance, when I have school work, I can search it from Wikipedia and I can learn everything that I want in 2 or 3 seconds. But, if I had to search it from encyclopedias, I would spend more time on it.

    My And last but not least reason, people can know eachother via internet. After you meet with someone, you can add him or her on facebook then you can learn their hobies, schools and favourite teams.It is a beneficial way for socializing.When I moved from my small town to a big city, I met with a guy in my neighborhood then I added him on Facebook. While I was looking his profile, I learned that we both are same soccer team’s fan. After that, we talked about our team and decided to go to games at the stadium together.

    To sum it up, life is easier with the internet. People can achieve a lot of things using it. Furthermore, they can meet with other people and become social because of the reasons above.

    FEEDBACK: A very nice well structured essay well done!! I only have one slight problem with it though. Is "the internet" really a "discovery" or an "invention". I am not sure as to what the raters would say about this or how it would affect your points (I have known students to get 0 for just the same thing in the past, but I think you pull it off well in your essay). All that being said, I think this is easily worth 4 points. Well done!!


    Please, before sending an essay into be marked, make sure that you have read through all previous essays and follow the advice given whilst writing your essay. Essays that have not followed the advice given in previous essays will not be marked. Essays will be marked within 7-10 days.

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