Here is my second essay

The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.


The twentieth century has undergone many changes in every situation. We can talk about the improvements of education, health care systems, or technology. In my opinion the most memorable change in that century is about the communication system and phone technology.

In the nineteenth century people used many ways to communicate with other people. One of these ways is the telephone, in that time phone was rarely found in every people’s home, so people had to use phone booth in the city. But this would be sometimes very hard for people to go there especially under harsh winter conditions. Also it was always regarded that communication was broken for bad weather conditions, because the wires were detached easily. They put up with these bad conditions because the telephone was so importand for them.
"Try starting each of your supporting paragraphs with a transitional statement such as 'The first reason as to why I believe that the telephone and communication is among one of the most memorable changes in the 20th century is because.' Such phrase help create consistency throughout the essay and also help you to stay on topic. Finally, never ever forget to include an example for every reason that you give; the question specifically asks for reasons and examples."

After decades the cell phone is invented. This technology brought us very important basics in our lives. When we use a cell phone it means that we can be reachable from everywhere. For instance, my mother ordered some food and other materials from market but in that day I was a bit confused and did not listen my mom, when I reached the market in a sudden I believed I forgot something, to be sure, I called my mom and yes I forgot something and return the market and bought what I forgot. This was a miniscule example of the cell phone’s benefits to out lives.
"In this paragraph I have highlighted some of the mistakes that you have made; they really are typical of the types of mistakes that you are making throughout your essay. The correctıons are as follows in order: "Decades after the phone was invented, this technology", "essentials to", "reached", "things", "on that day", "listen to", "I suddenly remembered", "I had forgotten", "returned to", "this is a".


And it is also easy to carry and allow us to use a lot of application on it. With the technologic improvements of the cell phone, these things became very small; we can put it in our pockets so this is a very important feature compared to the normal home phones. The other feature of the cell phone is it has many applications that we can use. For example; we can get the weather forecast or we can read e-book also we can listen music or take a photo which is really close the real camera quality. We can do lots of things with the new age cell phones it means everything for us.
"Avoid giving lists of examples as you have done here. Choose one example and elaborate on it; what life experience can you use to illustrate that point?"

To sum up, technology is grooving exponentially and we see these improvements in every part of our life. The phone technology is one of them and I believe that we will face lots of improvements about the communication technology in our future.
"Try not to use structures of vocabulary that you are not to sure of. The first sentence of your conclusion has absolutely no meaning at all. Raters by the way really hate memorized structures as this appears to be; they will only lose you a great deal of points".

COMMENTS:

Sorry I was a little late marking your essay, but I have had a very busy day. Again, I think your introduction needs a little strenghtening as it is a tad on the short side. It would have been nice if you had given some examples of the changes that have taken place in the education and health care sector. Don't forget that everything you mention needs to be elaborated on to some extent. You should also spend some time practising writing introductory paragraphs. A lot of you points are going to come from how impressed the rater is with your essay. As for your supporting paragraphs, I have put small comments at the end of each one where needed. Overall, this essay is worth once again 3 points. The overall organization is fine and use of vocabulary generally satisfactory; however, there are too many grammatical mistakes to bring this essay above 3 points. Don't forget that the last five minutes should be spent on checking your essay for mistakes. The more you correct the better the impression the rater will have.


This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools