Another essay(I think the examples in body paragraphs are not enough but it is the production of 30 minutes:))

AND TEACHER CAN YOU GIVE SOME SUGGESTION IN BRIEF ABOUT INTAGRATED ESSAY AFTER GRADING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I am fraid that this part of the forum is for Independent writing only. I will, however, be giving a free on-line lesson for upper-intermediate students in the near future (probably after the finals have come to an end:)


TOPIC:Some people persue career paths that lead to management position. Other people persue career paths leading to position of individual responsibility. Which career path are you more likely to follow?

Managers and employees are the main parts of business world and if you want to enter this world you have to choose a position as a manager or an employee. Actually many people choose be an employee but if it comes to be my career preference is being a manager for following reasons.

Not a bad start; however, the last sentence is difficult to understand due to errors in grammar usage.
It would have sounded better like this "Despite many people choosing to go into the business world as an employer, I think, I would have to say, that I would would almost certainly decide to chose to be a manager for a number of reasons"

First of all, managers are needed more by companies. It has a great responsibility and also, it requires some skills and leadership, as a result of this few people's choice is being a manager. So, if you want to be in a popular and special position, your choice must be management. Suppose a factory,for example, which has a lot of engineers as employees. If there is no manager for managing these engineers, how can they work in right way and how can their senchronisation be satisfied. So the first requirement of the factory is finding a manager.


Secondly, working as a manager is more enjoyable and creative than being an employee. Because you can find many opportunities to apply your plans about your job. For instance, you find the current system bad, if you are the manager, you may change it easily. However if you are an employee, your main duty is doing whatever your manager says. Also you can obtain the best success with a good management. Thus, if your skills are sufficient, being a manager is more enjoyable for you.

I think you are right about the examples that you have given. We need to remember that the question does ask for SPECIFIC examples. You could have made both of these paragraphs a lot stronger by providing the reader with specific examples such as, "my father, who works at a factory in our home town...." Don't forget the example part of the essay gives you the chance to illustrate you argument; tell a story as it were. On a different note, I really do like the way you have strengthened your examples by restating as to why they are good examples in the last sentence of each supporting paragraph. Well done:)

To sum up, I respect all of the choices about the career paths of the people, but in my opinion management is the right position for people who have enough skills.

Where should you go from here? Well, I think you need to work on your examples a little more before you produce another essay. Go to the list of essay questions at ets.org and just think (you don't need to write) of examples for as many questions as you can. The essay above is a very strong 3 point essay, and with a little more hard work you will be able to jump up to 4 points. By the way, you are right to keep within the 30minute time limit; you will find that it will become easier to write more in less time.