Here is my first essay


TOPIC: Someone think that playing a game is fun only when you win. Do you agree or disagree with this statement . Use specific reasons to support your answer

Although life includes winnig and losing,everyone wants to be successful whatever he or she have done.There are some various reason to explain it, such as fallowings.
You should remember that the introduction is the most important part of your essay as this is where the rater first develops their initial impression of the language that you are using (first impressions count).Look at the structures that 'Sinemis' and 'zea' have used above and look at the advice that I have given them.

The main reason why I believe winning is better than losing is because human being has it in it's nature.For example, when the football team we supporting lose the match, we might behave like nothing happened and we might made up sensable covers to satisfy ouselves but the correct definition about our emotions is that sadness.
Nice to see that you have included an example here; but as I have mentioned before in previous essays and comments, you really need to stretch out your example and although a good example it really isn't that specific; in place of this example, I would have explained about a football match that I had gone to and how that affected me. Also, remember, that giving examples is like telling a story, really stretch them out as much as you can and describe every possible detail.

Let's move on to video games.Why we are playing these games? To lose or to win.Undoubtly, the correct answer is winnig.However, life includes too many losing and the most important aim of us is turn this losings into winnings.It is our essential task which makes us happy when it become.
Well I don't need to tell you that the biggest problem with this supporting paragraph is the lack of an example! Never ever omit an example from your supporting paragraph. Also, do not use 'rhetorical questions' as you have done in the first line; although they can be effective tools in academic writing, they are often used incorrectly or in the wrong place.


In conclusion, we have two important feeling to express ourselves which called happiness and sadness. So, to sum up , as I explained before playing a game fun only when you win.

Dear TMRTMR,

First of all, thank you for sending your essay in. However, there are a few things that need to be kept in mind. To begin with, before sending in an essay, you need to make sure that you have reviewed all of the previous essays and the comments that I have made. If you review all of the essays that you have written, you will see that you have made the same mistakes. Secondly, you shouldn't send in a second essay, until the first one has been marked (incidentally, essays are marked within 7-10 days). I look forward to your second essay