Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?students should be required to study arts and music ın secondary school.use specific reasons to support your ıdeas.

People try to improve themselves during their whole life and seek for personal satisfaction. Studying music and art is an are important areas that people need to spend times on in order to be satisfied. In my opinion students should be required to study arts and music in secondary school because of several reasons such as better not being able to study in early ages them at a younger age, better for your future life and better to gather more intellectual social network throughout your life.

The first reason as to why I believe that students should be required to study arts and music in secondary school is that because it is better to study them in early ages some people are unable to study them when they are younger due to financial problems (this fits a little better as it directly answers the question being asked. However, this new sentence makes the following unnecessary). So many students might not be able to get chance to study these kind of activities at early ages before secondary school because of financial requirements. Therefore, at least in secondary school they should have chance for that and it should be mandatory for every students. For example, in my case we had a guitar lessons in secondary school and now I have been playing guitar almost for fifteen years (kind a master in that area).

The second reason as to why I believe students should be required to study art and music is that it is better for their future life. after school-life, in routine of business life everybody needs to do something other than daily jobs. In this point of view, It gets important having interests that feel you better and activities to be relaxed. For instance friend of mine go to the gallery of him everyday after his daily business in order to quit stress and negative feelings.

The third reason as to why I believe that students should be required to study arts and music in secondary school is that social network will be more entellectual during his whole life. after secondary school if students continue to study them, probably they will meet with people whose interests are common. In addition it will be easy for them to be more social with them. Galleries , concerts or other meetings that they are attended provide them that social environment.

Finally it is better for students to study art and music in secondary school in order to learn it in early ages, be better for their future life and provide them more intellecual social environment.

FEEDBACK
A very good first attempt. You had a few problems in your first supporting paragraph with explaining your idea clearly (especially, with the transitionary sentence). However, your other supporting paragraphs were fine with the exception of grammar mistakes. A quick pointer, though; I think you would have a much stronger essay if you had focused on two supporting paragraphs rather than three and focused on improving and exeplifying the examples that you had given. Point: 3+