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Konu: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

  1. #1
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    Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    Before sending your essay in to be marked, please ensure that you review all the essays that have been written and the advice that I have given.

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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    Merhaba,
    Uzun suredir bu formu ziyaretci modunda izliyordum, vermiş oldugunuz karşılıksız hizmetten dolayı sizi tebrik etmek istiyorum.
    Benim sorum su olacak, ben kendi yazmiş oldugum essaylari buraya gonderebilir miyim? 15 ocakta sınav alıcam ve Ingilizce seviyemin
    en azından writing konusunda cok da yeterli oldugunu dusunmuyorum, belki sizlerin sayesinde 1 2 puan yukarı cekebilirimn diye dusunuyorum?
    şimdiden teşekkürler.

  3. #3
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    tabi gönderebilirsiniz. bu konu başlığı o nedenle açıldı. çorbada tuzumuz olsun istedik. bir özel kurumda toefl eğitmeni olan yabancı uyruklu bir arkadaşımız essay lerinizi kontrol edecek. yazabilirsiniz
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  4. #4
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    Essay number: 1

    Daha onceden belirttiğim gibi sınav tarihim Ocak 15 bu yuzden elimden geldiğince fazla yazacağım, sıkıldığınız yerde dur dersiniz :)

    Ilk essayim;


    In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice.



    Although many students choose of studying in traditional schools, I would definitely support the idea that is studying at home using my computer or other materials that I can harness. I believe this idea for a variety of reasons.

    First, while I am studying at home I believe that I would be less stressful than I am in a real class, for example; in the real class it is probable that I can be asked some questions by the teacher that I may not answer, so at that time I would be stressed in the class. But there is no probability that I feel the same way while I am studying at my home.

    Second, studying at home also brings me lots of benefits, one of them is I can record the lesson and re-watch it whenever I want. When I started to learn English I harnessed from some DVDs which are recorded by some teachers. These DVDs were really helpful for me because I did not know anything about English before and there were difficult units that I cannot understand easily. I watched these DVDs much time until I understand the unit. I believe that materials accelerated my learning. If I decided to go a traditional course or school I would learn English as well but this would take much longer than I expected.

    Third, when I study at my home with the technological equipments, there is no time limit for me because if I do not feel very well to study, I simply do not. Last year I attended lots of social activities, so I really could not find much time to study in the daytime but I studied that lessons in the evenings instead. So these materials helped me a lot. If I had gone to traditional school I would have missed lots of class because of my activities and I might fail the class.

    Generally, a very nice well balanced essay. There are a few points that you need to work on though. First of all your introduction is a little on the short side. I would also advise you from stating your opinion so early in introduction. With a comparative essay as the such, don't be afraid of stating the opposite opinion first of all. An example introduction may go something like this "Over the last ten years or so, the number of studying methods open to students has increased a great deal. The wide spread use of technology and the internet have given students the choice to study in a variety of different ways. However, I believe that more traditional approaches to studying, such as studying at home, are more effective for a number of reasons" Of course as you can see from my example introduction, I am against more modern methods. However, if you tend to agree, you only need to change the position of the two elements. Your essay also contains a number of grammatical mistakes. You really need to spend the last 5 minutes correcting any mistakes that you have made. I would say that your essay is clearly worth a good three points. Remember practice makes perfect:)

    This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools

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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    bu ne güzel bir imkan? bu gerçek olamaz. keşke bunu daha önce keşfetseydim. hay bin kunduz. neyse geride kalanlara yardımcı olur artık. ne güzel bir forum vay be. bedava essay okuyacaklar.

  6. #6
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    I want to thank you for marking my essay "teacher" (because I don't know your name I just wrote your nick, I hope you don't mind) :) and I'll try to use your advise which is very important to me. Actually I aim to get 3.5 points both independent and integrated essays.
    Thank you again and I will continue to bother you :P
    Ayrica forum adminleri sizlere de birkere daha teşşekk&#252;r etmek istiyorum, cunki arkadasiminda yukarida dediği gibi bu hizmeti bize karsiliksiz sunarak ne kadar b&#252;y&#252;k bir iyilik yapiyorsunuz anlatamam

  7. #7
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    bende mi yazsam acaba? spor olsun diye yazsam ayıp olur mu acaba? herkes yazsın en son ben de yazarım.

  8. #8
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    bence herkez yazsın en azından yazanların nelere dikkat ettiğini, etmeyenlerin neden dusuk puan aldıklarını gorup bundan ders cikarmiş oluruz

  9. #9
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    Essay number: 2

    Here is my second essay

    The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.


    The twentieth century has undergone many changes in every situation. We can talk about the improvements of education, health care systems, or technology. In my opinion the most memorable change in that century is about the communication system and phone technology.

    In the nineteenth century people used many ways to communicate with other people. One of these ways is the telephone, in that time phone was rarely found in every people’s home, so people had to use phone booth in the city. But this would be sometimes very hard for people to go there especially under harsh winter conditions. Also it was always regarded that communication was broken for bad weather conditions, because the wires were detached easily. They put up with these bad conditions because the telephone was so importand for them.
    "Try starting each of your supporting paragraphs with a transitional statement such as 'The first reason as to why I believe that the telephone and communication is among one of the most memorable changes in the 20th century is because.' Such phrase help create consistency throughout the essay and also help you to stay on topic. Finally, never ever forget to include an example for every reason that you give; the question specifically asks for reasons and examples."

    After decades the cell phone is invented. This technology brought us very important basics in our lives. When we use a cell phone it means that we can be reachable from everywhere. For instance, my mother ordered some food and other materials from market but in that day I was a bit confused and did not listen my mom, when I reached the market in a sudden I believed I forgot something, to be sure, I called my mom and yes I forgot something and return the market and bought what I forgot. This was a miniscule example of the cell phone’s benefits to out lives.
    "In this paragraph I have highlighted some of the mistakes that you have made; they really are typical of the types of mistakes that you are making throughout your essay. The correctıons are as follows in order: "Decades after the phone was invented, this technology", "essentials to", "reached", "things", "on that day", "listen to", "I suddenly remembered", "I had forgotten", "returned to", "this is a".


    And it is also easy to carry and allow us to use a lot of application on it. With the technologic improvements of the cell phone, these things became very small; we can put it in our pockets so this is a very important feature compared to the normal home phones. The other feature of the cell phone is it has many applications that we can use. For example; we can get the weather forecast or we can read e-book also we can listen music or take a photo which is really close the real camera quality. We can do lots of things with the new age cell phones it means everything for us.
    "Avoid giving lists of examples as you have done here. Choose one example and elaborate on it; what life experience can you use to illustrate that point?"

    To sum up, technology is grooving exponentially and we see these improvements in every part of our life. The phone technology is one of them and I believe that we will face lots of improvements about the communication technology in our future.
    "Try not to use structures of vocabulary that you are not to sure of. The first sentence of your conclusion has absolutely no meaning at all. Raters by the way really hate memorized structures as this appears to be; they will only lose you a great deal of points".

    COMMENTS:

    Sorry I was a little late marking your essay, but I have had a very busy day. Again, I think your introduction needs a little strenghtening as it is a tad on the short side. It would have been nice if you had given some examples of the changes that have taken place in the education and health care sector. Don't forget that everything you mention needs to be elaborated on to some extent. You should also spend some time practising writing introductory paragraphs. A lot of you points are going to come from how impressed the rater is with your essay. As for your supporting paragraphs, I have put small comments at the end of each one where needed. Overall, this essay is worth once again 3 points. The overall organization is fine and use of vocabulary generally satisfactory; however, there are too many grammatical mistakes to bring this essay above 3 points. Don't forget that the last five minutes should be spent on checking your essay for mistakes. The more you correct the better the impression the rater will have.


    This essay was marked and commented on courtesy of Just English Language Schools
    hakanikt likes this.

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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    Wow, I see lots of red :-[ but I believe these reds will bring me success and thank you again for your patient to me!.
    As for my essays I am trying to do my best, besides I explained on top of the page my english level is not brilliant :'( and these essays that I've sent here is complated in 30 mins.(trying to simulate real exam)
    Thank you again!
    I'll try my best


  11. #11
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    Your English is fine:) You need to remember that everything in the TOEFL exam comes down to good time keeping. As I said, your aim should be to write an essay in at least 20minutes. 5 minutes needs to be spent at the beginning planning your essay and of course the last 5 minutes should be spent at the end checking your essay. I must also apologise for the use of red. It can be percieved as a very negative color. However, I needed to ensure that my comments were clearly visable for you to see (and to tell you the truth, I am a little slow when it comes to technology. I have never been part of a forum before:) I understand that you are due to take the exam on the 15th of this month, so feel free to send me some more essays:) Also if there are any other questions that you would like to ask me about the exam please feel free.
    Tekihtimal likes this.

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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    Sınava hazırlananlar için bulunmaz bir şans cidden. Kim uğraşıyorsa bu işle ellerine sağlık.
    Tekihtimal likes this.

  13. #13
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    arkadaşlar yanlış anlamayın ama 30 üzerinden değerlendirilmez? zaten 2 essay var. bunlar ayrı ayrı 5 üzerinden değerlendirilir sonra convert edilir. sistem bu olduğundan sevgili teacher ımız 5 üzerinden değerler diye düşünüyorum.
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  14. #14
    zea
    zea isimli Üye şimdilik offline konumundadır
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    estağfirullah, yanlış anlamak ne demek. Uygun olanını sizler bilirsiniz tabii.

    Teşekkür ederim tekrar.

  15. #15
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    Ynt: Toefl Writing lerinizi Değerlendiriyoruz...

    bu arada Just English dışında hiç bir kurum bu foruma destek çıkmadığı için bu essaylari yorumlayan Just ve ekibine bir forum üyesi ve yetkilisi olarak teşekkür ediyorum. Bu desteği diğer kurumlardan da bekliyoruz. Desteklemek isteyen her kuruma açığız ve ismini telaffuz etmekten çekinmeyiz. teşekkürler.
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